Mr. Dibbs: Groupie Hunter

Fresher Than hooked up with Mr. Dibbs & Wreckin’ Ball once again for some love advice. This time they take on the terrain of the touring musician venues in an all out safari hunt to reveal the hidden secrets of the elusive groupie.

Disclaimer: Once again, you must know that this is written by Dibbs and Wreckin’ ball and yes she is a woman. It is all in good humor and written as a joke. Don’t take it too seriously.

As we embark upon this grand journey into the world of groupies we find that there are very many different types on the prowl. After many years of being on the road and working in bars, we’ve witnessed these mythical creatures in their natural habitat, first hand. We narrowed down this list to three groups that we’ve seen and heard of.

1. The Souveneir Groupie
2. The Hopeless Romantic
3. The Opportunist/Attention Whore

You may have seen these creatures hiding amongst a crowd and not known it. Here are ways to identify them.

The Souvenir Groupie –
The Souvenir Groupie is a very rare breed, but can still be found from time to time. This breed tends to be spotted near the merch booth. They are easily spotted by their willingness to stoop as low as giving a dirty, unwashed roadie head for that “tour only t-shirt”.

The Hopeless Romantic Groupie –
The Hopeless Romantic is a very common breed of groupie. They can be spotted right up front at the show or huddling in the back row crying. They do this because they know that this song is written just for them. Sometimes you don’t need to hunt for them as they have stalked you online, and molded themselves to fit what they believe is your perfect mate.

The Opportunist/Attention Whore –
The Opportunist/Attention Whore sees the benefit of dating you. You’re useful until she/he has what she/he wants. In all cases, it simply boils down to this: The Opportunist/Attention Whore has absolutely no God given talent and thinks they’re awesome, so they deserve attention. Tons of attention, from everyone. But be very careful, they are a tricky breed! In their mind, they are smarter, better looking and deserve everything you have, no matter how stupid or bitchy they come off in front of people. They are a fascinating creature!

Here is a classic scenario involving the Opportunist/Attention Whore
Day 1: You meet her/him via your friend on Warped Tour and she/he has no interest in you at all.
Day 2: They find out you’re in [insert band here], bring you a drink on stage, hang out all day, buy you dinner, then make out with you on the street.
Day 3: They pop up at a show that is 6 hrs from their home, you fuck them in the ass in the back of the tour bus, they give you head and swallow. yes groupies do go ass to mouth…welcome to the ATM.

Here are some sure shot ways to identify the Opportunist/Attention Whore:

1. On their first visit to your home he/she puts the title mrs. or mr. in front of your stage name and wears it on a homemade t-shirt.
2. They can’t remember your name and refer to you as “Mr. Biggs” and has to ask their friend what your name is.
3. They randomly pop up at shows all over the country without letting you know.
4. They insist you ask if you can hook them up with a merch or managing job on your upcoming tour.
5. They insist that the label you and your brother started should be run by her, thus fucking the label into a dead standstill.
6. When you find out they’ve dated or “entertained” members of multiple bands from Florida to Boston as just friends ::wink wink::
7. They want you to make a song for them on your new LP
8. When they get to work as merch person, and manage to piss everyone off by being an “i know more than you asshole” to everyone on the tour AKA a one-upper
9. When you find out they wipe from back to front.
10. He/she has scene jumped from Limp Bizkit to Rock to Ska to Dub to Punk to Hardcore to Hip-hop to “Hey look at me, now I’m a DJ” to Hipster to Hippie to Now I’m a fucking coke head.
11. He/she offers you a three way with the front man of the band your touring with i.e. I wanna fuck your boss so I can get further ahead.
12. When all your friends have already told you, “shes a groupie.”
13. He/she calls the day of every relevant show to get his/her +5 friends on the guest list 4 hours before the show.
14. They have conversations with themselves on your message board saying how they’re your girlfriend/boyfriend.

Some groupies and bands have a symbiotic relationship that might be easily missed. The easy way to spot this is by watching out for the Groupie Secret Code. Here are a few codes to say “hey, let’s fuck”

“Ever been on a tour bus?”
“Wanna hang out after the show…on the bus?”
“Hey, pretend to be my girlfriend/boyfriend so i can get rid of this other chick/dude”
“Can I come to your house and make cookies and hang out?” Thanks, AFI, time and time again.
“Why don’t you come into town early and hang out, since you the have the day off.”
“Hey, our next show is in [insert city here], you should come and I’ll put you on the list.”
…and pretty much anytime a band member opens their mouth to the opposite sex.

Next time you’re out at a bar, watching your favorite band, you can keep an eye out for groupies! Stay clear as they will relentlessly try to fuck up your life. Good luck!

– Mr. Dibbs & Wreckin’ Ball