With Valentine’s Day around the corner and the foul stench of love in the air, we decided to hit up an old friend of ours for a little love advice for the not-so-suave single people out there. Mr. Dibbs & Wreckin’ Ball took the time to sit down and give us a few tips on the dos and don’ts of dating. For the record: Wreckin’ Ball is a woman and not all of these insane things came out of Dibbs’ mouth. This is not for the faint hearted.

Disclaimer: The views expressed are solely those of Mr Dibbs & Wreckin’ Ball and do not reflect the views of Fresherthan.com or it’s affiliates. Do not read this if you have a weak stomach and/or do not understand the concept of a sense of humor.

When on a first date with a girl, people might ask themselves a few questions. Where should I take her? What should we eat? How do I make the first move? The answers to these questions are usually simple so we have some words of advice. Make sure you pick the right girl. We suggest finding the first chick to pull out her switch blade when the shit goes down. You know you picked the wrong girl if she tries to give her opinion. Always take her to a dive bar or greasy spoon where you know the bartender. This way you can hook up with the bartender later if your date turns out to be a lumbering Earth pig. Never eat anything that will make your ass cannon explode or make you smell like a moose dick wrapped in burnt baby skin. The first move can be made by casually leaning over and whispering, “you know…I used to be in Atmosphere.” If you’re not the flowers and candy kind of guy, there’s always alternatives. Try Viagra and a donkey punch or a roofie and a plastic bag over your dumb ass face, bitch. Never take her back to your place. If you go to her place you can have more fun. You can pull off an upper decker, wipe your ass on a face towel and put the good side facing out so she gets shit on her hands the next time she goes to dry them, throw her cat out the window or piss in the fish bowl. You can know that your efforts have gone too far when you end up in your car in a back alley with your dick in your hand pleading, “c’mon, you know you want it! I didn’t get this in high school!”

On Valentine’s Day some people will try to take out a long time friend. There’s two types of girls to pick: the hot friend who’s really shmammered or your lonely sure shot friend who’s sober. Which to pick? Both. The lonely sure shot is always a go and even though she’s sober, she’ll never tell. If the hot drunk friend doesn’t remember it, well then it never happened. Take the lonely sober girl somewhere no one will notice. I suggest 20 miles out of town to a cash only establishment. Take the drunk hot girl to the next bar or greasy spoon on her fucking tab. What to eat? With the lonely sober girl you’re eating your pride with a side of bacon. With the hot girl, get an order of everything. She’s paying and won’t remember it anyway. When you’re ready to let her know you want to be more than friends, at least for the night, tell her, “I’m leaving for a six month tour with Atmosphere. I’d love to hang out when I get back. Can I have a kiss?” If it’s the drunken hot friend, just ask her if she’s ever seen the back of a tour bus. You’ll know it’s a go when your dick is in her mouth or she’s sitting on your face. If she turns you down, you don’t stay friends with her; you’re going on a six month tour with Atmosphere. If you’re successful, do you stay friends with her? Stay friends with who? If another friend tries to cock block, there’s an easy solution. When in doubt, knock ‘em out, Top Cats style.

Photo by Travis McCoy

Here is some long term relationship advice. Where do you take her? Take her? Take her downstairs and put her in front of the fucking stove, bitch. I don’t care what we eat but it better be good. If you want to guarantee you get laid, try roofies and restraints. The best way to spice things up in bed is to invite somebody else to join or wait ’til she falls asleep, sneak out and drive to your mistress’ house. If you’re trying to work it out, just let her know you want an open relationship. This can be a touchy subject so just tell her that she’s fucking lame in bed and you’re tired of faking orgasms so she needs to go out and get some elsewhere because she needs the practice. You know she’s trying to leave you when you find out she sucked Punk Rock Carl’s dick in his car in the parking lot of the Poison Room after the Cinci Punk Fest. If that isn’t enough, you know you should call it quits when, A: you find them OD’d on your bathroom floor, B: she’s always complaining about yeast infections and you find out she wipes her ass from back to front or, C: you’re tired of footing the bill (aka paying off their drug dealers). So what is the perfect gift for your long time partner? Divorce papers and a sawed off shotgun to the head coupled with a beautiful view from the bottom of the lake.

Here are a few general dating questions/answers:
When is it appropriate to shit in front of each other?
For a dude, never. You can’t even stand the smell of your own shit so you should never submit her to that. For a girl, day one. In the woman’s mind, everything that comes out of her smells like roses and angel kisses.

How low will your standards go to be a good wingman?
Pretty low. As long as its not a dude, I’m good. Well maybe a hot dude.

How drunk should you get on a date?
You can get as drunk as you want as long as it’s not too drunk to fuck.

Photo credit: Brandon Showers